Thought I’d try walking like those women in American crime dramas. You’ve seen them, sweeping down long corridors having important conversations and not looking where they’re going: Hips, Hips, Hips, Hips; like Kate Moss except the dope’s in the evidence bag not back home unconscious on the sofa.  I get as far as Hips #1 and skid on the kitchen lino, scattering a number of cats and sending the dogs into a frenzy of territorial barking. That kind of behaviour being, quite obviously, the signature move of the dangerous intruder. It takes half an hour to calm everyone down and one cat is still on the roof. I’m working on walking like the women in EastEnders instead i.e. not much at all and then with arms folded under the bosom in the Les Dawson style. I think you can eat chips with that one.

From Not Being First Fish by P Spencer-Beck.  Available from Amazon (non-illustrated edition). Second edition (illustrated) due 2018.